Daily Show: Vice President Dick Cheney Shoots 78 Year Old Man in the Face

When a man becomes 'peppered' it usually is attributed to his hair color, but in this case, it was birdshot. From a shot-gun. From Vice President Dick Cheney's shot-gun. No one could better report this than our friends down at the Daily Show with John Stewart. Probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

Who says little chinese women don't have soul?

Make sure to download her samples. You'll wonder why she hasn't broken the Top 40 yet.

"Hi, I am Wing! I immigrated to New Zealand with my family about ten years ago from Hong Kong. I have been learning singing in New Zealand and I do performances in Rest Homes and Hospitals and occasionally promotional concerts as I go along.

I released my first CD Phantom Of The Opera and got a grant from the Manukau City Council for promotion. Then I released I Could Have Danced All Night and The Sound Of Music.

My latest CDs are called "Wing Sings AC/DC", "Dancing Queen by Wing" and "Beatles Classics by Wing".

I have worked hard and I hope you have all found I am improving.

Thank you for all who supports me helping me very much as I go along.

Thank you!"

~Wing

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ditka. How we love thee. Let us count the ways.

One Grabowski. Two Grabowski. Three Grabowski...

I'm having a bad month.

I think that anger is completely underrated. Well, perhaps not underrated, but pooh-poohed far more than its fair share. I used to be one of those pooh-poohers. I used to avoid and rationalize away my anger to the point of non-sensical absurdity. I think that anger can be part of a completely healthy individual. Never mind that it raises blood pressure, disturbs sleep patterns, and furthers a more unhealthy physical being in general. It’s only physical. The body will die eventually anyway, who cares how it gets there.

Needless to say, I haven’t been having the most pleasant of months. Then there is sickness, all of the ensuing chaos that ensues with missing school, work, church, etc, due to sickness, and then the random happenstance of being cosmically screwed at any available opportunity.

Let me just say that it is incredibly easy to become fantastically pissed off after two straight weeks of feeling like Star Jones’ recliner cushion. (Yeah yeah, it’s only physical, blah blah blah). Angry at what, you ask? I don’t know. I don’t think it even matters. It’s beside the point. What matters is that I am justifying my inability to control my emotions and allowing myself to be entertained by the ensuing ensuingness. Bottom line, being pissed off is kind of fun.

Now having fun while pissed off is only socially admissible under certain circumstances. Having no outwardly visible reason for being so is not one of them. There has to be some sort of fantastic cause to the emotional distress. Then anyone, clergy, anyone, will let you call them scores of epithets and assault their pets, praising you with harmonic strains of mercy. “Oh the poor dear, he heard that George Lucas is going to make another movie.”

The general public (well, at least the general public that I know) has a tendency to be compassionate and merciful. It is just one of those innate spiritual traits which all of us have managed to inherit. This is so that society in its entirety does not collapse when one of us becomes fantastically pissed off. They are there to assuage and nurture back to emotional health. This is the biggest obstacle to a life of anger-induced happiness. (“Stop being nice to me! Don’t you want me to be happy?!”) You see, anger-induced happiness is augmented when the individual manages to gently coerce another into completely losing it as well. They say that misery loves company, and that goes the same for those who become happy via being crotchety. Nothing is more fun that seeing someone go from “straight-laced easy-going individual” to “rabid spider-monkey with a bad case of hemorrhoids”. The success of the Tom Green show wasn’t a fluke (and you should all be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are.).

As for being cosmically screwed, you really can’t fight that. Sometimes it comes in time to add more fuel to the fire, and the other times it comes it only…adds more fuel to the fire. It is my own personal belief that someone is handing us cues to become more “humble” and “teachable”. Either way, I’m still cosmically screwed. Honestly, who gets sick, then audited, then a fifty-dollar parking ticket, all in the course of an hour and a half on a Sunday? Throw in a good kick to the groin, and you’ve got yourself a stew goin’.

Well, that’s about the end of my ramblings today. All this venting has made me more calm and serene; and there are plenty of things wrong with that.

Star Wars Valentines....

Happy Valentines Day!

I made Valentine's Day cards for everyone! They're Honor Code themed! Enjoy!

Fluid? What fluid?

So, as many of you may know, I've been having a bout with good ol' father sickness for the last week or two; coughing and hacking and all kinds of no goodness. Any way, many of you have stopped by or called to make sure that I was okay and bless you all for it. So the doctor thought that I may have had pneumonia. Wasn't too excited at that prospect. But I went in today for a follow up exam and baby, there are no fluids in these lungs. As far as we can tell. But I'm banking on it. Here's to wellness!

Actually, THIS is the mother of all pictures.

I think this is just a Despair rip-off (albeit a sweet one!). Anyone know?

I thought midgets were cute and non-creepy before I saw this...

Heidenreich: Mein Kampf

Clicky clicky.

Foxwood 108: A Retrospectacular

So as many of you know, I used to live in Foxwood condo #108. Well, as they are brothers to me, I helped them to put together a little 'get-to-know-you' so that they could introduce themselves to the rest of the ward. I have to say that this is pretty much the funniest thing that I've ever done, so you should check it on out.

It's kind of a larger file 'cause it's 13 minutes long, but baby, it's worth it.
Foxwood 108: A Retrospectacular - Windows Media (108 MB - Hee hee ironic)

A Second Chance

So I got pulled onto a production to help write and direct a 3 minute short film on the theme of 'Mercy'. So, for 24 straight hours we wrote, shot and edited, and this is what we came up with. It's probably one of the more serious things that I've done. It played at the 24 Hour Filmmaking Competition at the LDS Film Festival this last month. Props to Jesseca and Shark and Adam for the acting in this one.

A Second Chance - Quicktime (24MB)

Ultimate Destiny!

Go see the Ultimate Showdown.

If you haven't seen this you must.

And catch Tobias in there too.

And now for the mother of all pictures.

Chuck's got some competition, Bauer-style

And you can also vote on the facts here.

*Thanks, Dave!

Band Names

As a thought exercise, and inspired by John Hodgman's 700 Hobo Names, I thought it would be cool if we finally wrote down all those cool band names we hear every day. That way we'll realize they really aren't cool.

Here's a few for starters:

My Primary Function is Destruction
No Baptisms for Girls
Flippancy
Wes Rockjaw and the Dentists’ Nightmares
Madam Curie Overdrive
Tesla vs. Edison
Some Kind of… Robot Monkey??
Vlad the Impala
Pearl Jam
Black-faced Lion Tamarin
Zombie Jury
The Groomsmaids

Jon, you're a Calgary fan, right?

I love missionaries!

If you ever feel like you can't...

I highly recommend the "Fashions" link. Anything labeled "GRRL." And make sure you have a puke bucket on hand.

DANGER -- EXERCISE CAUTION WHEN OPENING

Bonfire Pics!

College life is only as good as you make it. So we lit ours on fire. Twenty foot-fire to be exact. Here's some pics of our hot hot escapades.
(I suggest the 'view as slideshow' option. Top-right after the link)

Chuck Norris has feelings too you know....

Jon Howe.

You Jerk.

Other internet person.

Equally jerky.

Deion Sanders Cant Play Trumpet.

Some underground films for you all....

Animals is my favorite by far.










Intramural Marching Band










Afterschool America











Shop Guy











Animals

Want to know where Chuck gets all his energy?

Top 30 Chuck Norris Facts

Okay, there are many reasons why Chuck Norris is my hero. Besides the fact that his ability to grow mass amounts of facial hair on cue and out-tough my steak dinner last night, here are 30 reasons to stand in awe. Awe I say.

Is this legal?

I dont think they can do that...

Jon's (slightly) famous!

The perfect gift for Jon

Grill AND watch a movie at the same time?! It's a madhouse, I tells ya!

Sidewalk Art

His name is Julian Beever. Quite amazing.

Untitled #1 (Vaka)

This is a music video from Icelandic band Sigur Ros. I warn you, its deeply depressing, but also powerfully moving. I was floored by it.

Nixon has never looked happier...

That's not the only cool thing the Japanese do...

*Thanks, Dave!

So neo-japanese cool.

It's so cool. Be entranced by the rhythms of the weird kabuki dolls. I wish I could animate this cool.

Merry Christmas!

Oh so very true.

There's not much else to say. It's a crap fad, and that's what it'll always be. (Click the link in the title to read it)

You're gonna need an awful big glass of water to get that down.

I thought that after the age of three people knew not to put plastic in their mouths.

Something to aspire to...

My new goal in life is to be as good at sidewalk drawing as the guy in Japan that drew this...whoever he is. A New Year's resolution, mayhaps.

More Jonathan Coulton

Turns out you can download his entire collection of songs! Merry frickin' Christmas.

http://www.jonathancoulton.com/songs

My favorites:

A cover of Destiny Child's Bills,Bills,Bills

Skullcrusher Mountain, an ode from a Mad Scientist to his quarry.

Ikea, a love letter to the furniture store for "college kids and divorced men."

Ryan's Hairstyle of the Moment

For all you LDS kids, it just so happens that today is Joseph Smith's birthday. So in homage, today's hairstyle is aptly titled "the Joseph Smith-esque period coiffer"

Bemusing Site-O-The-Week: The Uncyclopedia

It looks just like wikipedia (the online open source encyclopedia) but it's funny. Here's Megatron as "The voice of God". Sacreligious? Yes. The only picture I saw to grab real quick? Also yes.

Ali G vs. the NBA

I don't know if everyone here is familiar with the Ali G (he's a comedian, British and is often controversial - sounds like a winning combo, right?) Anyway, he's funny. Well, he did a whole bunch of commercials for the NBA and verily, they're amusing. My faves are the Kobe Bryant one and the one where he makes fun of Steve Nash for being Canadian (that one's titled "MP3"). Enjoy them all!

Merry Christmas!

The lighter side of ultimate fighting....

Perhaps you've seen West Side Story. If so, then you know that the real battle is won before the battle. Real fights are over before they begin.

Its all about the dance.

ALSO:

And in case you haven't been introduced to Sappamania:
At the Zoo
Dont Ask

Baby Got Back

As a Merry Christmas present, I present to you Jonathan Coulton's cover of a Sir Mix-A-Lot classic.

http://www.jonathancoulton.com/music/thingaweek/BabyGotBack.mp3

Rest in peace...

Seduccion Prohibido: FOUR!

What?! Two episodes in a week? Oh yes my friends, the Seduccion Prohibido saga returns with Chapter Four. This baby's got sauce.

Seduccion Prohibido - Capitulo Cuatro: Quicktime 15.8MB
Seduccion Prohibido - Capitulo Cuatro: Windows Media 15.9MB

T says: "Treat your mother right, fool!"

Possibly the most hilarious Mr. T rap video about mothers I have ever seen... okay, the only one. And also he's wearing hot pants. And apparently not many words rhyme with "mother." And also... nah, that's it.

*Thanks again, Dave

Holy Ving Rhames! MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III!

This went up a couple of hours ago, and though I wasn't overly impressed with Mission Impossible: II (though I'm a rabid John Woo fan) this trailer straight up converted me to the greatness and euphoria that will be Mission Impossible III.
Watch and bemoan that it comes out all the way in May.

Ryan's Hairstyle of the Moment

I call this one: "Dwayne, the child killer".

Bemusing Site-o-the-Week - French Military Defeats

Here's the trick:

Go to google.com
Type "french military victories"
Hit "I'm feeling lucky" and check out the ensuing hilarity.

Or... just click the hyperlink in the title.

Here's a sample:

"Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux."

Hours and hours of fun at the expense of francophones worldwide. Enjoy!

Semi-Inspirational Quote of the Moment

"You didn't want to be tall enough to ride that ride anyway."

Seduccion Prohibido: III

The day you all have longed for is here. The third saucy installment in the Seduccion Prohibido series has arrived. And oh is it tantalizing.

Seduccion Prohibido: Capitulo Tres - Quicktime 20MB
Seduccion Prohibido: Capitulo Tres - Windows Media 20MB

Haven't seen the first two installments? Check them out in this earlier blog entry.
Seduccion Prohibido: I & II

Happy Holi-freaking-days!

Just a little Yuletide merriment from me and my iPod to you. : ) Man, how dweeby do I look?

Everyone, take time some time to congratulate Jon on his recent Nano

Now he's officially cool. Officially.

Gives a whole new meaning to the term "cavity search"

I suddenly have no inclination to brush my teeth ever again.

*key quote: "and forced him to hand over his booty"

How much do you love your cell phone?

Not enough to stick my hand in a toilet, that's for dang sure.

*Thanks, Dave

That was close, I was almost Catwoman!

Your results:
You are Iron Man

Iron Man 60% Superman 60% Hulk 55% Catwoman 55% Green Lantern 55% The Flash 50% Robin 45% Spider-Man 45% Supergirl 45% Batman 25% Wonder Woman 20%

Inventor. Businessman. Genius.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

Dang, I was hoping that I would be Batman

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 80% The Flash 70% Spider-Man 60% Supergirl 50% Hulk 50% Iron Man 45% Catwoman 40% Wonder Woman 35% Green Lantern 35% Robin 30% Batman 25%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

Hobo Names of the Day

I figure I should do more than one a day if we want to get through them, since there are, you know, 700 and all:

Prayerful Stan, the Bent-Knee Yahoo
Collegeboy Brainiac, the Hobo Einstein
49-State Apthorp, the Alaska-Phobe
Solid First Draft Patton Taylor

That is all.

I'd say this is an accurate description of Jon's cooking last night

The must-have gift for every disillusioned little girl

Looks like Lisa Frank hit the bottle a little too hard this time...

Have you heard anything?

I'm looking to find some BYU (Provo) students that may have heard something about this. Check out the link below.

http://www.arcticbeacon.com/articles/article/1518131/38233.htm

Let me know.

Spare time...

You know....sometimes I wonder what I would do if I had all day to be creative. These guys obviously know what they are doing with their lives. Click here to watch one of the best videos ever.

Hobo Name of the Day

Blind Buck and "Woozy", the Invisible Seeing-Eye Dog

Bonus Weekend Name:

Manatee the Railyard Toreador

You know what I miss?

There was something about having all of that cola taste without the guilt of having consumed a dark cola beverage. I used to crack open a can while watching my mid-day Thundercats and Dino-Riders. Boy, there are nothing like those days. I'm a nostalgic fool. I remember when they started doing 'free refills' *gasp* "That's impossible! They'll go out of business!". Yeah, Crystal Pepsi - ten ba-jillion times better than New Coke.

Speaking of Hugging Your Chicken...

Here's the sweetness of a Turkey that my sister and I cooked up with the secret Howe recipe. The top one is fresh out of the oven, and the bottom is complimented with garlic mashed home-style potatoes and a garden salad. Mmm..boy. And the other one is the Turkey carving. Ha ha. (Double entendre... two meanings.. meaning that the turkey is being carved.. heh heh, or the turkey is doing the carving... hee hee... aww.)

Congratulations Ryan!

Ryan was just cast to star in the next Dragonballz live-action film! Here's to his eventual corruption by the entertainment industry. (Dig that jacket by the way. I think I saw that at a Mary Kay convention once.)

Have you hugged your chicken today?

*Many thanks to Dave Barry

Hobo Name of the Day*

Thor Hammerskold, the Mexican

That is all.



* From John Hodgman's Areas of My Expertise

Mmmm.. Trents

Check out my new trents! (see comments on previous post)

You know what you are, Jon...?

An enabler. I vowed I would never have a blog, visit a blog, write on a blog, or use or think of the word "blog". And yet, here I am. I hope you're happy. Unless you are happy. In that case I hope you're not.

You rock, Jon.

We be bloggin'

I can't tell you how excited I am to be on this blog. I know that this will be the perfect outlet for all of my rage and frustation. And the great thing is that if the internet isn't working, I can just walk across the hall to yell at Jon in person. What a time to be alive. Well, I hope everyone enjoys reading this. I'm sure I'll be more funny next time.

Cheers.

Ryan Peterson

My maiden voyage into Jon's BlogWorld(tm)

So I've been looking for this site for literally 3 months or so...
Thanks to Jon, I've finally found it. Here's a funny one that I hope you all will enjoy:


Love,
Austin

I'm in like wearing your shirt with the collar up!

Howdy everybody! I'll try to keep my posts relatively sane.

They say no talkin' about politics or religion; I think "they" talk too much!

Poker With Dick Cheney

Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.


The Editors: We'll take three cards.

Dick Cheney: Give me one.

Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand. Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars.

TE: Fifty bucks.

DC: I'm in. Show 'em.

TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.

DC: Not good enough.

TE: What do you have?

DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.

TE: Can you show us your cards?

DC: Sure. One of them's a six.

TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.

Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.

Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.

TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.

Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because the six of clubs is black?

Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE*********MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing ...

TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?

DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed.

TE: We aren't sure ...

DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.

Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.

TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.

Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE*********MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...

TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.

Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.

Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.

Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.

TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world.

Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?

Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE*********MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ...

Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.

William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?

Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.

Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?

Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.

George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would drink a beer with you.

Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.

DC: My deal.

Bemusing Site-o-the-Week - Toothpaste for Dinner

A hilarious cartoon, for every hilarious day. And all of the the unhilarious ones too.

Semi-Inspirational Quote of the Moment

"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet."
- Saint Augustine (354-430AD)

To all those who were invited.

So, I had to pull some strings, but I got it so that everyone can post entries on the Canasian & Friends blog, throw some pictures etc up there and such. We can create our own columns and sections and pretty much, have a boisterious good time.

Ascensione - ONLINE!

After months and months of brow-furrowing effort, yep, the Dante movie is done. If you haven't seen it yet, it's my first 'art' movie, but it's still good. Go figure. : ) It's my reinvention of Dante's Divine Comedy. Oh, just as a warning, it might be rated PG-13 for Disturbing images and thematic elements.
Anyway, props to the small army that helped out on this one.

Here's the link. (Large Download - 89MB Quicktime)
Ascensione - High Quality - Quicktime
(Right click and 'Save As' if you wanna keep it.)